There are many ways of showing anger in the workplace. From raising your voice and swinging your fist, the more aggressive forms, to going behind someone’s back that you are angry with, or worse yet, the manipulative silent treatment. I have to say, that I have a history of using this technique when upset with my spouse, children, friends and yes, even co-workers.

Let me give you an example. Someone does something or says something you don’t like, you choose to get quiet and withhold conversation so as to gain perspective but to also punish the other person. Ah yes, the ultimate form of manipulation. It is one of the most damaging ways to handle conflict because it leaves the other person helpless. So how do you work with someone who chooses this way of handling conflict? I suggest the following:

• Approach the person being silent and ask if they are upset with you and what may have caused it. If they remain silent, you have may try again, but it is now up to them to decide to share what has happened.

• Listen intently for understanding before you give your perspective • Once you have listened and paraphrased back, share your side, and if need be, apologize for the misunderstanding

• If there is mutual accountability for the misunderstanding try for a compromise or win/win

• Ask that the person giving you the silent treatment to try a different approach the next time they are upset with you. Ask them to tell you right away when they are upset, give them time to cool down but they must agree to discuss it soon afterwards

What if you are the one giving the silent treatment as your preferred method for handling conflict? Understand that you probably learned this manipulative style growing up. The wonderful thing about gaining wisdom is that you can choose a different style! If you find yourself hurt by someone at work, allow yourself a good twenty four hours to cool off before taking action, but the important part is to take action. Approach the person who has hurt you with a short explanation of what happened and how you wished it had been handled. Sometimes it helps to write your feelings down so you can better articulate them. There is always the chance that this may escalate but you have taken the high road by sharing your feelings and how you would prefer to be treated in the future. While confronting conflict is never easy, if the relationship is important, it is worth your time to find a more effective way of handling the situation.