As I travel to meet with managers, a common complaint I hear is their wish that an employee would stop complaining about another employee to the manager, but rather go to the problem employee directly and voice their concern.  The manager gets tired of being the “go-between” and wishes that employees would resolve issues amongst themselves. 

So, why can’t we just simply walk up to a co-worker and voice our concern?  Why do we feel the need to tell our boss instead of the person with the problem?  Great question which happens to be the topic for today’s newsletter.

Great reading,

Diane 

How to Stop Triangulation in the Workplace

We know the situation well….we are having difficulty working with someone, and we do not want to approach them and tell them directly, so we do the next best thing….we tell our boss so they will fix the situation.  Where I live, we use the term “Minnesota” nice to explain this behavior as we are known for being too nice to bring up issues with people who are irritating us.  However, we do not hesitate to tell other people about the person’s behavior.  Why do we do this?

Many of us do not know how to confront issues with others, as we fear that the relationship will end if we do, or that person could retaliate and make our work life miserable.  Or, if we do confront that person, they won’t change their behavior, so why try? So, many of us choose to use a technique in psychology called “triangulation”.   Instead of going directly to the person we have an issue with; we choose a third party to voice our concern.  Sometimes we want this third party to side with us and take care of the issue with the other person. This is often why we go to our boss to resolve issues that we could resolve on our own most of the time. 

So, what should you do if your employees try to use you as a pawn in the game of triangulation?  Try the four steps listed below:

• Offer conflict training to all of your staff that outlines how you want employees to handle conflict with each other.   This training would include developing a list of ground rules for having a healthy conversation, developing a process for having the conversation and allowing them to role play the process so they can apply it in a heated moment.

Even with great training, some employees will need to reach out to their boss for help at times. When this happens, try these two tips.

• Ask the grieving employee if they just want you to be a sounding board, or if they are looking for a solution.   Some employees only want to vent to you and may not be asking you to do anything, but rather offer perspective.  Maybe you know something about the problem employee that will give them perspective.  Just make sure, as the manager, that you only allow this “venting” to happen once or it will become a habit and you will continue to play the triangulation game.

• If the grieving employee is looking for a solution, offer to facilitate a conversation between the two of them once so that a resolution can occur.  As the facilitator you will need to set “safe” ground rules that will allow these two employees to have future conversations without you.  The goal of the facilitation is to come up with a common solution or plan and to role model the way you want them to confront and resolve issues in the future.  Make sure there is a clear understanding of when you would get involved again in the issue, i.e., unwillingness of one employee to follow the agreed upon plan.

Conflict is defined as two people with competing desires not getting their needs met.   It is a natural part of the workplace but can consume a great deal of time as a boss, if you do not have processes in place to help employees deal with it effectively.

Question for You:  Do you continually have people at your door wanting you to get involved in a conflict they have with another employee?  Is it affecting your productivity as a boss?

Action for You:  Offer a training that will specifically address a process that employees should use to resolve conflict first on their own with a co-worker.  If this does not work, make sure you are clear on the role you will play to help the employee, but also be aware of when you have entered the “triangulation” zone and how to remove yourself from this unproductive game.