Do you dread the thought of going to work because of someone you work with?  When you think about it, there are so many variables that make us different as humans, that it would be a natural outcome to have to work with people we don’t like.  So, how can we gain the strength to continue working with people we don’t like?  Another great question for this week’s newsletter asked by one of my reader’s from Rochester, Minnesota.

What is it about some people that rub us the wrong way?  While part of the reason may be their differing ideas, beliefs and values, sometimes it is their lack of interpersonal skills, i.e., interrupting you or discounting what you say.  Whatever the reason, I have created five steps to try when faced with the dread of working with someone you don’t like:

• Look inside yourself first- This step is often missed because we don’t want to look inside ourselves and reflect on why this person bothers us so much.  Maybe our irritation with them can tell us something about ourselves.  For instance, if they are neat and organized and we cannot stand that, maybe it is because we lack that ability.  Maybe we do not like competitive co-workers because we are competitive ourselves.  In psychological terms this is called projecting ourselves onto others that what we do not like about ourselves.   Ask yourself what you are doing to create the conflict and take action to stop that behavior.
• Create a safe place to confront the other person- To begin this often difficult step, you will need to observe the behaviors that bother you and write them down.  The more specific your conversation with the other person, the better chance for good results.  Try saying, “Yesterday, when you discounted what I said in front of a group of others about the ___case, I felt you did not value my opinion.  You will notice the use of the “I” statement followed by how you felt.  These are both critical elements because they make you own the feeling and the other person becomes less defensive. In addition you need to be clear on what you want, “Please stop discounting me in front of others.” To respect the other person and yourself, this conversation should take place in a quiet, neutral location so that others will not hear it.
• Go to your boss- This step should only take place if you have a clear understanding of the issues that bother you and you have tried unsuccessfully to confront the issue with the other person.  Be clear here that whatever you say should have a direct tie into your productivity.  Going to your boss with comments like, “I don’t know why, but Tom just irritates me!”  Instead try, “I have tried to confront Tom about the way he discounts me in front of others, and I am losing credibility on the team and with our customers when he does this.”
• Restrict access-This is used only when the personal confrontation and dialogue with your boss has not yielded the changes you want.  How do you begin doing this?  When assignments are given, be proactive and choose those co-workers that work well with you, if possible. Use electronic communication to shorten the time needed to work together or work through others who will communicate with the person that bothers you.    It is important to remember that you do not need to be best friends with your co-workers; you only need to work together well enough to get the work done.  Sometimes this can be seen as passive aggressive behavior, and I would agree, except that you have taken the first three steps in a healthy way to overcome the conflict
• Suck it up or quit- Sometimes, if you know the person is close to retirement or will be leaving soon, you can “suck it up” and stay in the difficult situation.  Otherwise, you always have the option of asking to move to a different department or quitting.  The problem with these last two options is the reality that another irritating co-worker can be lurking around the next corner and probably is….

Question for You:

Do you find yourself dreading the thought of going to work because of someone work with?

Answer for You:

Begin by looking internally first to see if the irritation says something about yourself.  Ask yourself what or how you might see this person differently.  If you focused on their positive attributes, would you see more positive in them? The old saying goes; that what you think about and see, expands. If this self-reflection does not yield an answer try safely confronting the other person, seeking your boss’s input, restricting access with this person, or finally, sucking- it- up and hoping for change in the future or leaving the position