Category Archives: Conflict

How To Work with Someone You Don’t Like

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Do you dread the thought of going to work because of someone you work with?  When you think about it, there are so many variables that make us different as humans, that it would be a natural outcome to have to work with people we don’t like.  So, how can we gain the strength to continue working with people we don’t like?  Another great question for this week’s newsletter asked by one of my reader’s from Rochester, Minnesota.

 

What is it about some people that rub us the wrong way?  While part of the reason may be their differing ideas, beliefs and values, sometimes it is their lack of interpersonal skills, i.e., interrupting you or discounting what you say.  Whatever the reason, I have created five steps to try when faced with the dread of working with someone you don’t like:

 

  • Look inside yourself first- This step is often missed because we don’t want to look inside ourselves and reflect on why this person bothers us so much.  Maybe our irritation with them can tell us something about ourselves.  For instance, if they are neat and organized and we cannot stand that, maybe it is because we lack that ability.  Maybe we do not like competitive co-workers because we are competitive ourselves.  In psychological terms this is called projecting ourselves onto others that what we do not like about ourselves.   Ask yourself what you are doing to create the conflict and take action to stop that behavior.
  • Create a safe place to confront the other person- To begin this often difficult step, you will need to observe the behaviors that bother you and write them down.  The more specific your conversation with the other person, the better chance for good results.  Try saying, “Yesterday, when you discounted what I said in front of a group of others about the ___case, I felt you did not value my opinion.  You will notice the use of the “I” statement followed by how you felt.  These are both critical elements because they make you own the feeling and the other person becomes less defensive. In addition you need to be clear on what you want, “Please stop discounting me in front of others.” To respect the other person and yourself, this conversation should take place in a quiet, neutral location so that others will not hear it.
  • Go to your boss- This step should only take place if you have a clear understanding of the issues that bother you and you have tried unsuccessfully to confront the issue with the other person.  Be clear here that whatever you say should have a direct tie into your productivity.  Going to your boss with comments like, “I don’t know why, but Tom just irritates me!”  Instead try, “I have tried to confront Tom about the way he discounts me in front of others, and I am losing credibility on the team and with our customers when he does this.”
  • Restrict access-This is used only when the personal confrontation and dialogue with your boss has not yielded the changes you want.  How do you begin doing this?  When assignments are given, be proactive and choose those co-workers that work well with you, if possible. Use electronic communication to shorten the time needed to work together or work through others who will communicate with the person that bothers you.    It is important to remember that you do not need to be best friends with your co-workers; you only need to work together well enough to get the work done.  Sometimes this can be seen as passive aggressive behavior, and I would agree, except that you have taken the first three steps in a healthy way to overcome the conflict
  • Suck it up or quit- Sometimes, if you know the person is close to retirement or will be leaving soon, you can “suck it up” and stay in the difficult situation.  Otherwise, you always have the option of asking to move to a different department or quitting.  The problem with these last two options is the reality that another irritating co-worker can be lurking around the next corner and probably is….

Question for You:

 

Do you find yourself dreading the thought of going to work because of someone work with?

 

Answer for You:

Begin by looking internally first to see if the irritation says something about yourself.  Ask yourself what or how you might see this person differently.  If you focused on their positive attributes, would you see more positive in them? The old saying goes; that what you think about and see, expands. If this self-reflection does not yield an answer try safely confronting the other person, seeking your boss’s input, restricting access with this person, or finally, sucking- it- up and hoping for change in the future or leaving the position

How To Quit A Job Without Burning A Bridge

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You have a pit in your stomach anticipating the conversation you need to have with your boss about your new job. How will she react? Will she be upset and ask you to pack your things today or will she show understanding and want you to gradually transition out of the company? Many of us have experienced this situation in our jobs when we need to tell our boss something they may not want to hear. If you have been extremely unhappy with your position for quite some time, then this conversation may be easy for you, but for the rest of us, we lose sleep for days anticipating our boss’s reaction.

Many of us do not care if we burn a bridge with our employer because we would never expect to work with them again. While in most cases this is probably true, I have found that time can produce some strange circumstances. You may need to work with your boss on a community project once you leave, or even stranger yet, your boss may become your client someday. You just never know what turn of events may have you needing to work with your boss or others from your current organization.

So, how do you approach this conversation with the best odds of maintaining the relationship with your boss and the organization and not burn a bridge? While there are no guarantees, I would try these seven tips to improve your chance for success:

• Timing is important. If your boss is busy putting out fires, find a way to delay your message another day or two.

 • Show your appreciation for the experience. Once you find a quiet moment, let your boss know how much you have learned and gained from your time working with her.

 • Tell the truth attractively. In other words, let your boss know that you found an opportunity to challenge your abilities in a new way that opens up new doors for you. This is not the place to tell a boss that you are leaving because of their poor leadership. Wait for the exit interview with human resources or with the boss at a later time. During the exit interview give one or two critiques that are short and factual with a voice that shows more compassion than disdain.

• Give as much notice as possible. Whenever you accept a new position, it is best to let the new employer know that you want to give your current employer as much lead time as possible to fill your position. I realize this is not always possible but your new employer should understand this is as they would want the same offer when an employee leaves. Two weeks is standard for most positions but three or four weeks will be appreciated and may help you maintain the relationship. The higher level positions need the most time to replace.

 • Offer to train the new person. If your boss believes you are staying focused and positive in your position while in transition, she will allow you to train the new person and it will take a load off her plate.

• Don’t bad mouth your current boss to others. This is the time to take the high road and not criticize your current boss to others. Bad news always travels quickly and your current boss will find out! Be consistent in your message and let others know that you found a more challenging position.

 • Be ready if they ask you to pack your things. Even if you do all the steps above, there is no guarantee that they will allow you to stay on. The variables that allow you to stay include your current relationship with your boss, your boss’s maturity level and whether you are going to a competitor’s business when you leave. Initially, you may experience a draft of cold air coming from your boss and others when you let them know of your decision to leave. The draft may warm a bit after the initial shock wears off but you may need to wear a warm coat for the full transition time.

 Change is always difficult even when you are the one initiating the change. In the world of business, it is usually wiser to maintain relationships whenever possible versus burning bridges. By following the seven steps above you will be closer to keeping important relationships alive which may come in handy down the road.

I Need To Tell You I Am Looking For Other Work

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In the last week two clients have approached me with the question of what to do about an employee who tells you they are looking for a different job. You may be wondering who would be that naive to tell their boss that they are looking for other work? Actually, there are many who do! So what should you do if this happens to you? Another great question for this week’s newsletter.

Great reading,

Diane

 P.S. Please share your thoughts about this email or send future topic ideas to diane@dianeamundson.com

It doesn’t seem possible that an employee would tell their boss that they are looking for other work while in their current job. My first “fight” instinct with this type of employee is to tell them that they now have forty hours a week to look for that better job. In other words…they are fired! I would most likely react this way out of hurt or disappointment. However, if I took my own advice and paused before I responded, I may have a better reaction to give my employee.

By the way, if you are communicating frequently with your employees, you will know if they are not content in their position and reduce the chance of this happening to you.

However, even with the best employee communication, this situation may still happen. There are several aspects to consider here:

 •How valuable is this employee to the organization?

 •How deep is your bench to replace this employee?

 •Do you, as their boss, know how to do any of their work?

 If this employee has been terrific at “performing the essential functions of their job” and they will truly be missed, my response question would be, “What is making you feel like you need a different job?” I would listen carefully to all the reasons and think of a way to possibly change their job responsibilities or find additional dollars if wages are the issue. However, research has shown that any counter offer made to keep an employee usually results in the employee staying just eighteen months more.

But what if I cannot change the job or wages…what do I do in this situation? I let the employee know that they put me in a difficult situation. How do I know they will stay committed to the work if they are looking elsewhere? I would remind them that their work performance needs to remain high and ask for plenty of time to replace them, i.e., two, three or four weeks’ notice before they leave the position, etc.

After this discussion, I would make sure that the person leaving trains another person in their key task areas so that I have two people knowledgeable of those responsibilities. By the way, this is a great practice to do with all employees is to make sure one other person can perform their most critical tasks, i.e., processing payroll, etc.

I would ask my Human Resources representative to begin recruiting for this position, or as a manager, I would begin recruiting for this position immediately. Depending on the position, it may take months to find a great candidate or the current employee’s performance may slip, so starting early is always preferred.

So how do you handle the employee whose performance begins to slip while they are looking for another job? I would use your progressive discipline process that starts with a verbal/written warning and may lead to termination.

Having an employee tell you that they are looking for other work can be devastating to hear. But, by remaining calm, and pausing before you respond, you will be better prepared to handle this troubling situation.