Category Archives: Team Building

How To Work with Someone You Don’t Like

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Do you dread the thought of going to work because of someone you work with?  When you think about it, there are so many variables that make us different as humans, that it would be a natural outcome to have to work with people we don’t like.  So, how can we gain the strength to continue working with people we don’t like?  Another great question for this week’s newsletter asked by one of my reader’s from Rochester, Minnesota.

 

What is it about some people that rub us the wrong way?  While part of the reason may be their differing ideas, beliefs and values, sometimes it is their lack of interpersonal skills, i.e., interrupting you or discounting what you say.  Whatever the reason, I have created five steps to try when faced with the dread of working with someone you don’t like:

 

  • Look inside yourself first- This step is often missed because we don’t want to look inside ourselves and reflect on why this person bothers us so much.  Maybe our irritation with them can tell us something about ourselves.  For instance, if they are neat and organized and we cannot stand that, maybe it is because we lack that ability.  Maybe we do not like competitive co-workers because we are competitive ourselves.  In psychological terms this is called projecting ourselves onto others that what we do not like about ourselves.   Ask yourself what you are doing to create the conflict and take action to stop that behavior.
  • Create a safe place to confront the other person- To begin this often difficult step, you will need to observe the behaviors that bother you and write them down.  The more specific your conversation with the other person, the better chance for good results.  Try saying, “Yesterday, when you discounted what I said in front of a group of others about the ___case, I felt you did not value my opinion.  You will notice the use of the “I” statement followed by how you felt.  These are both critical elements because they make you own the feeling and the other person becomes less defensive. In addition you need to be clear on what you want, “Please stop discounting me in front of others.” To respect the other person and yourself, this conversation should take place in a quiet, neutral location so that others will not hear it.
  • Go to your boss- This step should only take place if you have a clear understanding of the issues that bother you and you have tried unsuccessfully to confront the issue with the other person.  Be clear here that whatever you say should have a direct tie into your productivity.  Going to your boss with comments like, “I don’t know why, but Tom just irritates me!”  Instead try, “I have tried to confront Tom about the way he discounts me in front of others, and I am losing credibility on the team and with our customers when he does this.”
  • Restrict access-This is used only when the personal confrontation and dialogue with your boss has not yielded the changes you want.  How do you begin doing this?  When assignments are given, be proactive and choose those co-workers that work well with you, if possible. Use electronic communication to shorten the time needed to work together or work through others who will communicate with the person that bothers you.    It is important to remember that you do not need to be best friends with your co-workers; you only need to work together well enough to get the work done.  Sometimes this can be seen as passive aggressive behavior, and I would agree, except that you have taken the first three steps in a healthy way to overcome the conflict
  • Suck it up or quit- Sometimes, if you know the person is close to retirement or will be leaving soon, you can “suck it up” and stay in the difficult situation.  Otherwise, you always have the option of asking to move to a different department or quitting.  The problem with these last two options is the reality that another irritating co-worker can be lurking around the next corner and probably is….

Question for You:

 

Do you find yourself dreading the thought of going to work because of someone work with?

 

Answer for You:

Begin by looking internally first to see if the irritation says something about yourself.  Ask yourself what or how you might see this person differently.  If you focused on their positive attributes, would you see more positive in them? The old saying goes; that what you think about and see, expands. If this self-reflection does not yield an answer try safely confronting the other person, seeking your boss’s input, restricting access with this person, or finally, sucking- it- up and hoping for change in the future or leaving the position

Distracting Co-Workers: 4 Tips to Stop their Interruptions

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Have you ever worked with someone that found great pleasure in interrupting your work? Thanks so much to my loyal readers Tony and Jenna for bringing this week’s newsletter topic to my attention. Read below for 4 tips to stop those annoying interruptions at work.

 Great reading!

Diane P.S. Please share your thoughts about this email or send future topic ideas to diane@dianeamundson.com

 ”The average American worker has fifty interruptions a day, of which seventy percent have nothing to do with work.” W.Edwards Deming

 You have heard the phrase…you spend more time with your co-workers than your families. So what happens if the time you spend with those co-workers is less than favorable? What if your co-workers are bored out of their minds and find ways to continually interrupt your work throughout the day? How do you maintain the relationship, if possible, and let them know that they need to “get a work life?” The key is to keep everything focused on your productivity. Although you may want to, resist the temptation to attack them personally regarding their behavior, if you need to maintain some form of a relationship with them. Try these four tips to help you overcome these distracting co-workers:

•Approach the offending co-worker in a private setting and let them know how their interruptions are affecting your work. Give as many recent examples as possible to jog their memory.

 •Let them know when would be a good time to interrupt their work, i.e., during your breaks or 4:30 pm when you have down time with your customers or never!

•If your co-worker does not “get it” and continues to interrupt you with his or her favorite YouTube videos, etc., then you should tell your boss. Remember to mention how it affects your productivity and not that you are attacking them personally.

•If your boss does not help, your last option may include finding a different work area or department to base your work. I know this is not always possible but sometimes an empty desk appears that would provide the distance needed to focus your work.

Question for You: Do you have distracting co-worker(s) that are friendly but clueless about how their interruptions affect your work? Or maybe, worse yet, you are one of those distracting co-workers?

Action for You: You may be able to maintain the relationship if you find a way to let them know how their interruptions are impacting your workload. By following the proper protocol above, you will find yourself better able to focus and get the work done that best serves your customers. If you are the one that likes to interrupt with YouTube videos, this is your fair warning that you are annoying others who really want to give their boss and customers the most from their workday.

How to Stop Triangulation in the Workplace

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As I travel to meet with managers, a common complaint I hear is their wish that an employee would stop complaining about another employee to the manager, but rather go to the problem employee directly and voice their concern.  The manager gets tired of being the “go-between” and wishes that employees would resolve issues amongst themselves. 

So, why can’t we just simply walk up to a co-worker and voice our concern?  Why do we feel the need to tell our boss instead of the person with the problem?  Great question which happens to be the topic for today’s newsletter.

 

Great reading,

Diane 

 

How to Stop Triangulation in the Workplace

We know the situation well….we are having difficulty working with someone, and we do not want to approach them and tell them directly, so we do the next best thing….we tell our boss so they will fix the situation.  Where I live, we use the term “Minnesota” nice to explain this behavior as we are known for being too nice to bring up issues with people who are irritating us.  However, we do not hesitate to tell other people about the person’s behavior.  Why do we do this?

Many of us do not know how to confront issues with others, as we fear that the relationship will end if we do, or that person could retaliate and make our work life miserable.  Or, if we do confront that person, they won’t change their behavior, so why try? So, many of us choose to use a technique in psychology called “triangulation”.   Instead of going directly to the person we have an issue with; we choose a third party to voice our concern.  Sometimes we want this third party to side with us and take care of the issue with the other person. This is often why we go to our boss to resolve issues that we could resolve on our own most of the time. 

So, what should you do if your employees try to use you as a pawn in the game of triangulation?  Try the four steps listed below:

 

  • Offer conflict training to all of your staff that outlines how you want employees to handle conflict with each other.   This training would include developing a list of ground rules for having a healthy conversation, developing a process for having the conversation and allowing them to role play the process so they can apply it in a heated moment.

 

Even with great training, some employees will need to reach out to their boss for help at times. When this happens, try these two tips.

 

  • Ask the grieving employee if they just want you to be a sounding board, or if they are looking for a solution.   Some employees only want to vent to you and may not be asking you to do anything, but rather offer perspective.  Maybe you know something about the problem employee that will give them perspective.  Just make sure, as the manager, that you only allow this “venting” to happen once or it will become a habit and you will continue to play the triangulation game.

 

 

  • If the grieving employee is looking for a solution, offer to facilitate a conversation between the two of them once so that a resolution can occur.  As the facilitator you will need to set “safe” ground rules that will allow these two employees to have future conversations without you.  The goal of the facilitation is to come up with a common solution or plan and to role model the way you want them to confront and resolve issues in the future.  Make sure there is a clear understanding of when you would get involved again in the issue, i.e., unwillingness of one employee to follow the agreed upon plan.

Conflict is defined as two people with competing desires not getting their needs met.   It is a natural part of the workplace but can consume a great deal of time as a boss, if you do not have processes in place to help employees deal with it effectively.

Question for You:  Do you continually have people at your door wanting you to get involved in a conflict they have with another employee?  Is it affecting your productivity as a boss?

Action for You:  Offer a training that will specifically address a process that employees should use to resolve conflict first on their own with a co-worker.  If this does not work, make sure you are clear on the role you will play to help the employee, but also be aware of when you have entered the “triangulation” zone and how to remove yourself from this unproductive game.